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Arline Gillen
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50th President - 1982 / 1983
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61st UPOA Convention held in Park City, Utah, June 14 - 17, 1983
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Married to Calvin Gillen, UPOA
President 1984 - 1985
Arline used to write a column for the
Utah Peace Officer under "Dear Arline". Here are some reprints:
Recently I was asked by a young officer, ìWhat does it
take to make some women happy?î
Each of us are different. My needs and wants would be
so different than another woman's as her's would be from mine. Many surveys
have been done on happiness and basic findings have been given in those
reports.
Now your psychologist Dr. Richard Bennett ìagrees that
there may be a happiness prone personality, but he doesn't believe that
optimism is the key trait. He thinks it's inner peace, a quality that can
be learned. This inner sense carries one along through fortunes and misfortunes.
It can be developed by cultivating a forgiving, helpful, generous nature.î
The women I have talked to generally want the same things.
Marriage (a happy one), homes (nice enough to be proud of), money (enough
for needs and some want and some expect enough for luxuries) which is not
always realistic. Some surveys have proved people happier at the time of
striving and struggle, than after financial success has been reached. Most
women I talked with feel that one must have a belief in God in order to
deal with the problems of life. The stress seems less important if there
is some spirituality in the home. Some women wanted to have a career or
part time work and others an outlet for artistic ventures, but basically
they did not feel that those needs were necessary for real happiness.
The question was, ìWhat does it take to make a woman happy?î
It takes getting to know her, understanding her inner needs as well as
those obvious needs. Communicating on a physical, emotional, intellectual
and spiritual level, showing love and appreciation for what she is and
does. If this sounds like a lifetime task, you're right. The problem is
most people give up in a relatively short time.
I hope this in some way helps you better understand women.
You write and tell me what makes a police officer happy.
Till next time,
Arline
Sometimes I feel that my husband's work is more important
to him than I am or his children. Is this a wrong assumption or does every
police officer's spouse feel that way?
ANSWER:
It is a proven fact that law enforcement is a time consuming
and interesting occupation. If the officer tends to become too involved
in his police role, he may allow communications at home to break down.
A gulf may be created between him and his spouse because he tends to spend
more and more time with his peer group. He shares his interest with them
instead of his wife thinking that they will better understand him. It is
at this point that we begin to feel alone and deserted. Now we are in a
position to feel a competition with his work and feel resentful towards
it.
Combined with this feeling of being left out, we also
feel a frustration because we always seem to be waiting. Waiting for him
to come home from a tour of duty; waiting for him to come home after court;
waiting for him to finish his studying, or to come home from a part time
job.
It becomes difficult not to ask ourselves, "What am I
waiting for?" "Where do we rate?" We also begin to ask ourselves, "Are
we raising the children alone?", "Is the family our sole responsibility?"
Now we begin to notice that our marriage seems to be
in a rut. We have lost some of the joy and excitement that we once shared.
More and more we seem to be locked in battle over whose needs seem to be
the most important.
In answer to your question, it would appear that this
situation could happen in any marriage in or out of law enforcement. You
are not alone. At least in your situation you are aware that problems exist.
Now it is up to both of you to find solutions. Set up new lines of communication.
Remember this, seek first to understand than to be understood. Never let
a man feel that he is a stranger in his own home. Speak well and often
of him to your children and family, thus reinforcing your own positive
feelings of love for him and pride in his work. As you work towards new
goals in your marriage, you will find all kinds of hidden blessings that
will come to all of you. The greatest being a strong and successful marriage.
Remember, we all need help in this life. Seek it in proper places and always
remember to have faith in God and make your problems a matter of prayer.
It may surprise you what you and your spouse and Deity can do.
Till next time, Arline
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